She was a wondrous flower,
as I was an ugly weed.
She was a gracious lion,
as I was a stinging bee.
She was a radiant thing,
do you not see?
There is a pattern
of ugly and pretty,
unique and beautiful,
compared to Nothing...
In your eyes, she's everything;
In your eyes, I was Nothing,
You couldn't see, didn't want to hear
about all the past times She's hurt you
and about that, i fear...
One day, amidst all your joy
She'll ruin it all
like a breaking mirror...
the glass will fall,
the blood will spill,
and you'll be standing there
filled with horror...
I want you to see
what might be,
what might occur;
but to you, it's just a blur.
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
This was okay. Strictly okay. As Kamas said, it needed to have more of a graceful language to pull this off correctly. Maybe saying something different then what you said--because what you said is...okay. Not fabolous or oh-my-gosh-this-is-so-good. But just okay. Anyways, nice job.
Have a good day! Tata!
-Mizzle
Well, I feel that this poem lacked originality and a graceful language to pull it off well.
The language was okay, more commonly used for your idea.
If you are going to use this idea, try to find a new way to word it. Wrap your brain around it and think of strange but logical ways of explaining/creating metaphors around it.
Otherwise, I suggest expanding your vocabulary. It will help you a lot.
Kamas
I like how you kept everything in comparason. Good job. As for your rhyme? It was okay, I didn't like it too much but it wasn't terrorible. So nice there, also, it didn't feel too forced. As for the message of the poem, I like how all the runs and how we get exctly the situation. How it all means to you and then what it means to the other person.(just from the last line) Very nice job there.
This was pretty nice.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silnted1.
Hey there!
This was a nice poem. My favourite part, like Hope, is the first few lines. I think that after this the flow went kind of iffy. Your stanzas are all over the place, which makes it kind of hard to establish some kind of rhythm. It lost me after that, you see, because it seemed to be telling some kind of story that didn't really interest me. It wasn't especially amazing or anything, so maybe you could work on some poetic devices to improve the poem?
~Amy
I have to admit it's written nice. I imagined the mirror breaking, blood spilling, comparisons you wrote and so on. The only trouble is that it felt a bit a known to me , but that happens nowadays a lot, so I'll simply tell : nice job, keep writing!
Well it certainly scared me! The intro has a lot of positive, happy lines, and then the idea it could be ruined...it just gave me shivers.
Nice goin'!
I really loved the first line of this poem,
I think it's wonderful. But after that you kind of lost my attention, it lost it's smoothness in my opinion. It went into a kind of cliche, "Oh he loves someone else, but she's going to hurt him" poem. Which isn't very overused, but still none the less tiring. But I've read some of your other stuff, and you're a great poet. Keep writing.This is a great poem. It kind of tells a story, while at the same time, I see in it a message about the closeness of what is considered ugly and what is seen as beautiful, but that's kind of thrown off by the line "compared to Nothing". That's a personal opinion, since the true explication of a poem lies in its author. I also had some trouble with the flow of it. Some of the lines kinda set off the smoothness of the poem and I had to retrace my steps.
I say again that this is a beautiful poem, and the only mistakes I saw were from my personal perspective. I'd love to read more of your work!
Let me just say that I really like this-- there is a depth to it that really strikes me, and that's always good. One thing I noticed was actually about the tenses. It's mostly in past tense: 'she was, I was'. I think you probably mean to have it in present tense, and that's something you might want to fix, because later you go into future tense, so...
but other than that, this is really amazing, seriously. especially since I see you're new here (don't worry, I joined probably two weeks ago, so I'm still kind of a newbie myself). but seriously... wow. I wish I could write as deeply as you do. best of luck in your writing!